Time to change. This is something I need to hear as the kids make their way home for the holidays, and maybe you do too.
In midlife, the holidays need to be reimagined.
Expectations can be high, both for you and your grown kids as we gather for the holidays. As Ann Lamott has said, “expectations are just disappointments waiting to happen”.
Perhaps we as parents, are hanging onto visions of Christmas past when the kids were young and our celebrations revolved around our tight family unit. Now there may be virtual strangers in our midst. It feels different.
We may want to cling to our kids and hoard all their time during their visit. This is suffocating for them and frustrating for you.
Some of us will need to share our offspring with our kids in-laws over the holidays, or there may be years when they are unable to come home. These are losses to recognize.
I remember the first time I returned home after a semester away at college and how at-odds I felt at home. I thought I had grown and changed dramatically in one semester and being home made me feel like I had to squeeze myself back into the box of what I had been. I sensed a pressure to remain the same. Maybe this comes from parents not knowing how to navigate this new world of having grown-up kids and watching them take their first steps toward an independent life.
We may feel like a stranger to our own kids. It might seem like a betrayal that they have changed.
Add to these relationship shifts, the physical changes that have happened in our bodies. The night sweats that keep us from the z’s we need for our emotional equilibrium. All this makes for challenging times when we gather together.
Maybe we need to re-imagine what the holidays could be. Here are some suggestions for navigating this new territory:
· Have a conversation with your kids about how they have grown. Ask them about what they are learning at school or about themselves as they live on their own. Do not expect them to be exactly as they were.
· Allow space. When your adult kids come home, they may want space to visit their old friends or to just be alone with their partner. Make space for that. Do not take it personally. Release your desire to be with them every moment.
· Switch things up. Keep some of your treasured traditions but throw in some new things. If you know the background of your kid’s partner, add something from their family traditions – maybe a favorite food or game.
· Re-invent the holidays. Maybe you are finding the transitions overwhelming and you need a fresh start to remove the expectations on you and your family members. You could plan a completely different kind of holiday – if you have the means, book a Christmas away in a cozy Airbnb or an all-inclusive that can house everyone. You could also make Christmas dinner a fondue or BBQ to keep you out of the kitchen and allow more time for connecting.
I suspect some of you are very experienced at this and I’d love to hear your tips. Leave a comment and share your wisdom with our community.
And have yourself a merry little Christmas. May your interactions be full of love and grace for your loved ones, and for yourself.