It’s probably hard to believe you are here, sitting in the auditorium waiting for your child to walk across the stage, looking like a grown-up, to accept their high school diploma. You are clapping and cheering along with the rest of the crowd but inside it feels as though there is a hot soupy mess of emotions bubbling up inside.
There is a lot happening as your child graduates, and your internal monitor is trying to alert you to some things. It’s time to take a few moments to acknowledge all the changes that are going on within and without.
This is an ending of sorts for you as a mom. You have permission to grieve that loss. It may feel like your relationship is slowly slipping away and you are fighting the urge to hang on tightly to this newly graduated adult child. Allow yourself to feel the loss while looking forward to a new kind of relationship. Your graduate needs you to release them so they can spread their wings and fly.
This ceremony marks an ending for your graduate as well. They are leaving the secure world of a well-ordered schedule and entering the unknown. They are moving into a time when they are expected to know what they want to do with the rest of their lives, and the pressure to make good decisions may be overwhelming. Allow them to grieve this as well. This might just be the last time they are together with all the friends who have journeyed with them through high school. Be forewarned, their grief may come out as anger and frustration. Try to help give them language to lament this transition and loss.
EMBRACE BEING A BEGINNER AGAIN
You and your graduate are both beginners at this stage. Admitting we don’t know how to parent in this next stage because it is new is a helpful perspective. We will make mistakes, we will need to ask for forgiveness, and we will need to take our cues from our child as to how much they want us involved in their daily lives and decisions. Accepting your beginner status helps to let go of the idea that we have this parenting thing figured out!
It is also important to take time to celebrate the goodness of this milestone moment for both you and your graduate. Tell them you are proud of who they are becoming no matter what grades they received. Celebrate their perseverance through the tough classes, crappy teachers, and broken hearts. Bless them by reminding them of the good qualities they possess, even if it is only just beginning to grow in them. Celebrate too the fact that you have successfully walked this child through elementary, middle school, and now high school. Only you know the countless hours you spent on spelling words, practicing the multiplication table, quizzing, prodding, reminding, assisting as your child as they navigated their education to this point. Well done, Mom!
TIME FOR SOME SELF CARE
Take some time to consider how to care for you. Now that this one is successfully through school, you may have a little extra time to do something for yourself. You have permission to choose yourself, to pursue your own growth, and to nurture the dreams which have lain dormant while you nurtured the dreams of others.
You may want to spend some time evaluating your life at this moment. Identify areas you have neglected in yourself. How satisfied are you with your:
1. Social life - (I know Covid has made this hard) Do you have friends you meet with or talk on the phone with regularly? You need an outside support system that can offer a different perspective.
2. Emotional well-being - do you spend time identifying your feelings and working through them?
3. Spiritual life - have you invested in your own growth, do you regularly meet with others who share your faith, do you make time to read your Bible and listen to what God might be saying?
4. Physical health – are you taking good care of you body? Eating, sleeping, exercising. (Hormones at this stage may be wrecking havoc with your sleep patterns, a talk with your doctor is a good idea).
5. Relational health – how are your primary relationships? If you are married, have you invested time in that relationship? Prioritize your spouse before your kids - the kids will leave, but the goal is for your marriage to last.
6. Self-care - if you are like me, I find this the hardest to attend to. We often feel guilty for taking time for ourselves and spending money on something just for us. Time alone - with no one asking for anything - may be one of the best ways to care for your self.
7. Fun and creativity – When was the last time you had fun or took time to create something just for the fun of playing and trying new things? This also is a difficult one to give ourselves permission to do.
Once you identify the areas that are lacking attention, make a plan to rectify the situation. This coming week, schedule in at least one thing that you can do to move toward a healthier balance in these areas. And continue doing this in the weeks and months ahead.
RELEASING
During this transition stage, one of the most important things we as moms can do is learn how to let go of our children well. Our kids grow and part of their growth involves leaving home to pursue dreams of their own. Intellectually we know this is the good and natural progression of things. When houseplants no longer have space for their roots to spread, they suffer and fail to flourish. This is true of children as well. They need space to grow, a new habitat in which to thrive.
One of the things which has made this easier for me is to remind myself of God’s truth. You and I have verses we turn to when we are struggling and need encouragement, often a favourite one we go to over and over. What if we took those verses and claimed then not only for ourselves but for our children also?
We are reassured that “God knows the plans He has for us” and how much more so when we know He has good plans for our children also. Plans He may not tell us about, but ones He will reveal to our kids when the time is right.
I often find great comfort in knowing that “the Lord is my Shepherd” and I also find relief when I realize He is my child’s shepherd as well. Make a habit of reading these verses with your child’s name written into them. Picture God carrying your child, leading them to places of nourishment, refreshment and safety.
In one sense this is a time we let go of the old relationship we had with our graduate, and enter into a new kind of relationship. As we gradually release the loss of what was, space opens up for what is yet to come.
HAPPY GRADUATION TO YOU!!
For more:
Tune into this conversation I had with Jodi Grubbs at Our Island in the City Podcast
Some free resources for you:
Wheel of Life – a tool to help identify areas of neglect in your life. Get it here.
Navigating Life with Adult Children – Stories to equip and encourage (stories from 13 different authors on the joys and challenges of this season with some very helpful tips). Get it here.
Empty Nester’s Guide to Greater Joy – can be accessed here.