Deeply implanted in my brain is the belief that desire is evil and selfish.
It might have stemmed from dashed dreams as a child, or listening to the nay-sayers, but I think it mainly came from the teaching of the church. A fear of going outside the lines, straying just a little from the prescribed behavior lest I get on the slippery slope, dulled my thinking and dreaming. Distorted ideas of humility, teachings that focused on our fallen state rather than our identity as image-bearers, and the subtle diminishing of women, created an atmosphere that discouraged desire.
Women are often given overt and subliminal messages that we are to give up everything for everyone else. A sacrifice on the altar of “family values” or being a servant. “Consider others as more important than yourselves”[i] has been thought more important than loving ourselves and healthy boundaries. This left no room for our own yearnings.
The Pharisees of Jesus’ day were ones who had snuffed out all desire and wanted to impose that on everyone else. All that mattered was following the rules, the heart does not need to get involved. Belief became as dry and dusty as the desert nearby. Nicodemus stands out in his search for something more. He comes at night to talk to Jesus in search of truth. Since he came under cover of darkness, we might assume that he still was not completely comfortable in his quest, he kept his inner thirst hidden from his fellow religious friends. He takes a tentative step toward his inner longings, and as we follow his story, we find that he courageously embraces Jesus in His death.[ii]
When we believe the glory of God is best seen in a human being living fully alive, then we are free to dream, invest in our passions, and embrace life.
Good and beautiful desires can be twisted if they become the only thing. Augustine talks about disordered loves. But rightly ordered, these loves can lead us into the place of our greatest flourishing. And according to author John Eldredge, “our desire, if we will listen to it, will save us from committing soul-suicide, the sacrifice of our hearts on the altar of ‘getting by’”.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR DESIRES?
We may have been told our wants are too much. And we may have watched as our dreams shriveled or were slaughtered by others, and now we are afraid to allow the seed of desire to take root and grow. It is far more comfortable to bury them under busyness, or continually push them away and instead give in to indulgence or resignation, small living, our longings sealed up tight.
As he faced his fatal diagnosis, Paul K Kalanithi, author of If Breath Becomes Air said “even if I am dying, until I actually die, I am still living”. This sentiment pulses with desire, a determination to live and make a difference even with a limited number of days ahead. It reminds me of the prayer from the Psalms, “teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom”. If we numb the things we long for, we do not fully live, and since our life is but a breath, we dare not waste our days living divorced from the desires God has placed within us.
THE PROBLEM
There is no doubt that to want, to pursue a thing, will mean opening ourselves up to pain. However, if we keep our hearts shut to longing, we also drain all life from our souls. To shut out our hungers is to also shut off the valve to joy, wonder, and contentment. We end up living as an emaciated version of ourselves.
Jesus calls the hungry and thirsty ones blessed. Those who are knocking and searching will find what they are looking for. He responds to those who come to Him with their greatest cravings. I think of the woman with the issue of blood, how her longing for healing lead her to risk coming out in the open, into the crowd where she was deemed unclean, in order to find the cure she needed.
The leper who approached Jesus was similar in his desperation for healing. In His interactions with people, Jesus often asked, “What do you want me to do for you?” or in other words, what is your desire? He does not shame or rebuke them, but finds a way to fulfill their yearnings, even the ones that lay hidden beyond the obvious. Jesus does not just heal the physical afflictions of the people, but the deep spiritual and emotional ones as well. For the leper, who had not been touched for likely many years, He reaches out His hand and touches him. We know this is not necessary to the healing, for Jesus could heal with just a word, but it was essential for the deeper healing of the man’s hunger for human touch after being denied it for so long.
Throughout the psalms, longing is a constant refrain. Desire for God, for vengeance, for a long life, for security, restoration, and redemption are expressed. These ancient songs are an aid in showing us how to voice to the deepest wishes of our hearts. The psalms allow us to bring our whole selves to God, with all of our varied emotions or lack thereof. They are messy and earthy and real, they free us from the restraints we have allowed on our expressions to God, they can open us up to our true longings.
VULNERABILITY IN DESIRE
I find in myself the tendency to diminish my desires or to only admit to the small ones. I can easily say I want an iced coffee on a hot day or a work space all my own. This may be partially because I know these are attainable, and I may be able to bring them about myself.
But can I admit to a desire for a deeper relationship with my husband or for meaningful conversations with my daughters? These are at least 50% out of my control since they involve another person and their choices. This then could be a reason these things are more difficult to name – they put us in a place of humility and dependence.
And what about the even deeper dreams - to make a difference in this world, to leave a legacy, to experience healing. Or for those we love to experience love and freedom. These desires, which lie in the depths of our souls, situate us in a space of complete dependence. Even to admit to these longings is to place oneself in a posture of surrender. What we are left with is a hope in the One to whom we whisper those prayers.
How about you? Is it difficult to admit your longings? Have you been disappointed so often that you run from desire at all costs?
WHAT TO DO WITH DESIRE?
Can you take a moment to imagine looking into the eyes of Jesus and hear His invitation to bring the things you want to Him? Confident that He sees you, hears your deepest heart cry (even if you don’t know it yourself) and is ready and waiting to meet you with His presence and provision.
Even in this we know there are some desires which will never be met in this life, so we live with the ache. The yearning for our world to be set right, for the end of racism and poverty, for goodness to have the final say. As C.S. Lewis says, “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”
What will you do with your desires?
[i] Philippians 2:3
[ii] John 19:39-42
Aditya Saxena photo via Unsplash
Explore more: these books are helpful in learning how to listen to desire:
The Journey of Desire by John Eldredge
What Does Your Soul Love? by Gem and Alan Fadling